Editor’s Note: We offer a great article by our good friend, Oliver Cromwell, who has quite a bit of experience with parenting and schooling in general.
In conservative Christian circles, homeschooling is often claimed to be the “best” educational choice. However, homeschoolers miss out on the many things public schooling has to offer – and private schools are simply too expensive for most parents.
Those who have taken the homeschooling path need to be quiet and quit judging those who decide to public school their children. It’s a perfectly valid choice for Christians, and public schools are a great big wonderful mission field. However, if you do choose to put your children in public school, it’s a good idea to get them ready before they step onto that big yellow school bus for the first time. If you have a newborn, start there – but even if your child is almost big enough to turn over to the government, it’s not too late to give them a head start on their public school education.
Here are a few Men of the West tips for preparing your Christian child for public school.
1. Optimize the Home Environment
Wake your children up early and be sure to make plenty of noise. Set off buzzers and bells at intervals. When your child is engaged in a task, interrupt him with loud noises. Yell for quiet, even when your child is already quiet. Install metal detectors at the entrances to your house and regularly search your child for contraband such as pocketknives or a sandwich chewed into the shape of a gun. Strip the comforts from your home and replace them with industrial furniture and buzzing fluorescent lights. Make sure your child stays confined to a desk for most of the day, if possible, doing busywork. Try not to let them learn about anything other than whales, Rosa Parks, global warming, the Holocaust, recycling, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Black Lives Matter.
2. Change Your Diet
Public school food may be hard to duplicate at home, but you can provide a reasonable facsimile by buying off-brand pre-fabricated items in the freezer section of the grocery store. Soggy frozen pizzas, chicken “nuggets” with high-fructose corn syrup-based ketchup and other classic American foods should replace the child’s normal diet. Also provide chemically flavored strawberry milk and sodas liberally. If your child is not at least somewhat obese, you are not feeding them correctly.
3. Checking Your Child’s Privilege
If you are white, it is important to prepare your children for school by making them hate themselves. Remind them that their ancestors were evil invaders and slavers and that everything whites have ever created was basically stolen from Africans, South American Native Indigenous First Peoples, and Muslims. Share how black women led the space race, the Mayans invented calendars, and Africans are warm and friendly and talented, whereas whites are cold and hateful and oppressive. It is important that your child internalize a deep self-loathing before reaching school so they are not shocked by the rightly felt hatred they will receive from others in class.
4. Teach Them About Sex
As tablets and smart phones are common now, so is access to hard-core pornography. Other children (and some teachers) will expose your children to threesomes, masturbation, fisting, and other sexual practices from day one, so it’s important to get ahead of the curve by exposing them to lots of porn at home. The more deviant, the better. Also remember that many teachers, coaches, band leaders, etc. are sexual “predators.” Fortunately, you can get to know these types of people before your child enters school, thanks to the sex offender registry. Chances are there are people right in your own neighborhood who you can get to know. Invite them over to babysit or ask them to host your children for a pool party. Realize that when you send your children to public school, they will have their sexual boundaries destroyed. Start early and get them ready.
5. Get Ready For Bullies
In school your child will be targeted for physical, sexual, and verbal abuse on a daily basis. Other children can be very cruel. It’s good to harden your children first. Curse at them regularly. Throw things, elbow them, pull their hair, give them wedgies, and throw the bathroom door open while they are using the toilet. If you have a girl, comment on her chest size daily. There’s no such thing as too young – remember, many of the children in public schools come from tough backgrounds and have seen violence and even sexual abuse first-hand. Your kids need to be tougher than the rest. Remember, this is all part of proper socialization.
Public schools are a great choice for conservative Christians who wish their children to fit in well with the world. If you follow our advice, you’ll soften the transition into institutional government schooling and change your child forever.
Whatever you do, don’t allow yourself to feel shamed or guilty for putting your children in public school. We know you live near one of the good ones, just like all the other Christian parents who send their children to public school. Press on and feel secure in the knowledge you’re making the best choice you possibly can for your child’s future.