In a shocking revelation, the Lord God has commanded his prophet, the Burmese Reverend Ho Sey Ah, to marry the soon to be single porn actress Stormy Daniels. Sources close to The Almighty state that the He is angry with the degenerate state of the United States and has issued the command in order to make Americans take notice. “You people are sick. I told you all not to be doing this unnatural stuff,” He is quoted as saying. It has been reported that repeated pleas to repent and turn to faith have fallen on deaf ears.

LGBTQ activists are quick to voice their opposition to the Creator, stating, “Heaven needs to be more inclusive with regards to Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals, and Trans persons. He also must answer for what He did to Sodom and Gomorrah”. The heavenly response has been chilly, with the Lord expressing displeasure at having his rainbow stolen as a symbol of the movement. “I have a special place for them” is all that He would say.

 

The prophet Ah seemed less than enthusiastic about his pending nuptials. “I don’t know what I did to deserve this” he said. He expressed revulsion at her past, stating “She’s got more videos on Pornhub than anyone. I don’t know what in the hell the President was thinking. She’s more disgusting than Miley Cyrus”. He did express gratitude that he wasn’t commanded to marry Lena Dunham.

Daniels was recently arrested for illegal acts while working at a strip club in Ohio, although the charges were dropped. She is most known for her adult films, Stormy does Corinth, and Sodomy in Ephesus.

Recent events have further raised YHWH’s ire. Several people linked to Hollywood have been exposed making potentially pro-pedophilia statements, and others have made statements in support them. James Gunn was fired from his job at Disney. “I’ll show you people who the real Guardian of the Galaxy is”, God said, adding “I’m going to run out of millstones“.