In The Hands of Hacks, Nothing is Sacred

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Editor’s Note: Yes, we share another of MOTW Poet Laureate Ian McLeod. Soak it in. Not only a good MOTW and friend, but a damn fine poet (and novelist).

In The Hands of Hacks, Nothing is Sacred

Or: Why I Would Shoot Myself If Hollywood Ever Optioned My Story

(A Free-Verse Micro-Epic, in Technicolor)

Job, ol’ buddy,

ol’ pal! Baby!

So I just got the script

and let me tell you, boss,

it is the shit.

Sorry, ‘scuse the French

there old pal.

Anyway, yeah, your story

is freakin’ amazing.

It’s got Good versus Evil,

a man lifting himself by

his bootstraps,

a bitchy broad,


We’ll get this year’s playmates

to be his daughters. Like that?

No? Okay, well, we’ll work on it.

Let’s see here, I mean, I would change

that part about the hedge:

how’s about:

“Thus saith the LORD,

Deflector shields down!”

Sounds better than God just

acquiescing to Ol’ Nick,

don’t you think?

Okay, so you don’t like that.

At least give it some thought.

Anyhow, let’s see…dude’s friends

just try to cheer him up

but instead piss him–and God

off. Good intentions, road to hell,

I like that in my flicks.

Then there’s the part where the guy

is just freakin’ out trying to explain

to his pals that it’s not his fault,

that God had no reason to do this.

And then the guy has the chutzpah–

and man you’re a genius, the chutzpah

to call God out on all of it! Genius, man,

sheer genius!

Anyway, baby, buddy–

I think we oughta do a montage,

yes, a freakin’ montage when God

is givin’ that whole spiel asking Job

where he was when God made all that stuff.

But what I’m really looking at is getting

Lucas to do the whole CGI thing for

Leviathan and Behemoth. Maybe

have Leviathan crushing some poor sap’s

fishing boat, and Behemoth rampaging

in a village when God’s talking about

how mighty they are. Badass filmmaking.

And the merchandising possibilities?

Man, we’ll have Leviathan and Behemoth

action figures in every toy store leading up

to the Christ–err, Holiday release.

Now, the script needs some explosions,

too, but I haven’t decided where yet.

Definitely wanna do that Star Trek 6 effect

with the ring exploding out of something. Yes.

You like that? You don’t like anything.

You’re tough to please, baby,

but I know we’ll make a blockbuster here.

The part most people don’t get is that God tells

Job that it ain’t His fault, either.

The part that explains that bad stuff happens to good people.

I don’t like that too much. No, we need an epic

battle between Good and Evil.

We all know the Devil did it. So we need

Michael the Archangel to go in and kick

some demon ass towards the end,

and then with the treasures seized

from the depths of Hell, that’s

what God uses to restore Job

to his former wealth.

What do you think?

Hey, wait, don’t go,

we’re not done here!

Baby! We gotta talk about the title!

And Job? We can’t use your

name for the protagonist! It’s bad form!

Stop! Don’t shut that door!

I know you’re busy!

What do you mean this meeting is over?

We optioned the rights, you know!

We’ll make this without you!

Call me! We’ll do lunch!

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