Editor’s Note: Yes, we share another of MOTW Poet Laureate Ian McLeod. Soak it in. Not only a good MOTW and friend, but a damn fine poet (and novelist).
In The Hands of Hacks, Nothing is Sacred
Or: Why I Would Shoot Myself If Hollywood Ever Optioned My Story
(A Free-Verse Micro-Epic, in Technicolor)
Job, ol’ buddy,
ol’ pal! Baby!
So I just got the script
and let me tell you, boss,
it is the shit.
Sorry, ‘scuse the French
there old pal.
Anyway, yeah, your story
is freakin’ amazing.
It’s got Good versus Evil,
a man lifting himself by
a bitchy broad,
We’ll get this year’s playmates
to be his daughters. Like that?
No? Okay, well, we’ll work on it.
Let’s see here, I mean, I would change
that part about the hedge:
“Thus saith the LORD,
Deflector shields down!”
Sounds better than God just
acquiescing to Ol’ Nick,
don’t you think?
Okay, so you don’t like that.
At least give it some thought.
Anyhow, let’s see…dude’s friends
just try to cheer him up
but instead piss him–and God
off. Good intentions, road to hell,
I like that in my flicks.
Then there’s the part where the guy
is just freakin’ out trying to explain
to his pals that it’s not his fault,
that God had no reason to do this.
And then the guy has the chutzpah–
and man you’re a genius, the chutzpah
to call God out on all of it! Genius, man,
Anyway, baby, buddy–
I think we oughta do a montage,
yes, a freakin’ montage when God
is givin’ that whole spiel asking Job
where he was when God made all that stuff.
But what I’m really looking at is getting
Lucas to do the whole CGI thing for
Leviathan and Behemoth. Maybe
have Leviathan crushing some poor sap’s
fishing boat, and Behemoth rampaging
in a village when God’s talking about
how mighty they are. Badass filmmaking.
And the merchandising possibilities?
Man, we’ll have Leviathan and Behemoth
action figures in every toy store leading up
to the Christ–err, Holiday release.
Now, the script needs some explosions,
too, but I haven’t decided where yet.
Definitely wanna do that Star Trek 6 effect
with the ring exploding out of something. Yes.
You like that? You don’t like anything.
You’re tough to please, baby,
but I know we’ll make a blockbuster here.
The part most people don’t get is that God tells
Job that it ain’t His fault, either.
The part that explains that bad stuff happens to good people.
I don’t like that too much. No, we need an epic
battle between Good and Evil.
We all know the Devil did it. So we need
Michael the Archangel to go in and kick
some demon ass towards the end,
and then with the treasures seized
from the depths of Hell, that’s
what God uses to restore Job
to his former wealth.
What do you think?
Hey, wait, don’t go,
we’re not done here!
Baby! We gotta talk about the title!
And Job? We can’t use your
name for the protagonist! It’s bad form!
Stop! Don’t shut that door!
I know you’re busy!
What do you mean this meeting is over?
We optioned the rights, you know!
We’ll make this without you!
Call me! We’ll do lunch!