Editor’s Note: Our good friend, Harbin, satirizes the death of Epstein.
It was announced this morning that Jeffrey Epstein, billionaire financier and recent advocate for assisted suicide, passed away in his cell while awaiting trial. The coroner on the scene, who’d been summoned earlier that night, said it was a peaceful passing, with the ligature marks around his neck consistent with previous deaths of Friends of Bill. “Such people are often distraught at the magnitude of their legal bills, and do what they can to mitigate the cost of protracted legal fees on the judicial system. They are humanitarians to the very end,” a former cell-mate said in praising tones, while his eyelids fluttered. “Some people are just vegetarians, but not him. Always thinking of the children first.”
Though he was frequently jetting about the world giving speeches about global warming, the need for more feminism in Hollywood, and the benefits of socially-inclusive investing, he was really a man of very simple tastes. He loved pizza and ping-pong, and had given generously to the Haiti Orphan Foundation. He was also a great supporter of the #MeToo campaign; his long-time friend Harvey Weinstein said that nobody had done more for the movement in its infancy that Epstein. His long-time friend Heel Matly had nothing but praise for Epstein, saying he worked tirelessly to bring numerous child stars to the screen. His work with politicians, international business, and providing private flights to disadvantaged youth was legendary.
He was survived by numerous children, thirty five wives, and not survived by scores more who were lost to “bad acid trips.”