An Alternative Means To Slow Government Growth

January 20, 2020
1 min read

Government, like fire, has a natural tendency to grow. It wants to eat more and more – it has to eat more and more. It’s just the way of things.
Our forefathers sought to combat this natural phenomenon with laws that restricted the government, hedging it in tight between the few things it was allowed to do, and the things it was never allowed to do under any circumstances.
As we’ve seen over the last 200 years, this approach failed. So, I’ve decided to offer my own solution, and it’s a completely original one at that!
See, those drawn to government power aren’t particularly bright, and they suffer from the ailment of taking themselves and their positions far too seriously. I seek to cure them of that ill and make use of their lack of wit to effect my end, which would be a small, barely noticeable government.
I shall decree that any government official that speaks publicly, or in any government meeting or official capacity, must only speak in rhyme. Failure to rhyme will result in immediate and absolute silencing, and a suspension for the rest of the day.
Furthermore, all laws must be written in iambic tetrameter and must also rhyme.
Now,  let’s see you create a 2 trillion dollar budget in I.T. that rhymes, Mr. Halfwit “public servant”.
In addition to these rules, I would also require ridiculously silly parades once a month, where government officials would be forced to walk in bizarre and silly ways around the capital. Those judged to not be silly enough would be suspended without pay for 2 months.
There would also be a hat, resembling a penguin astride a massive pineapple, which would be worn by anyone speaking in congress. This hat would be a cherished national treasure and would be passed from speaker to speaker during sessions.
Now… what say you?


  1. Perhaps also a set amount of taxes collected and spent, and should Congress seem it necessary to appropriate more funds, the Vice President (or some other suitable dignitary (shall stand on the street outside Congress in a pair of lederhosen with a bell, and thusly arrayed, humbly beg the good citizens of the country for their largess.

  2. Not a bad idea. Make the mockery of them obvious.
    Or we could simply fix maximum federal (heck, ALL governments!) spending to a fixed dollar amount. No adjustments for inflation or population growth. if they wish to have a “targeted 2%” inflation policy they can, but it will hurt them far more than the average man on the street. Want to import more foreigners who need aid? OK, fine, but from whom will you take the money (i.e., previous spending recipients) to give to the newcomers? Make them fight it out, cage match. Fixing it’s budget in perpetuity will solve many problems, by changing the incentives.

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