If you are reading this website, you probably imagine yourself to be a civilized person. Or, if not civilized, perhaps you aspire to be. However, if you were married after Labor Day, I must bear you some bad news: you are not fully civilized. While you might not sink to the level of the pygmy in the Congo or the brain eating headhunters of New Guinea, or even that lowest level of humanity, the utter barbarism of the modern urban dwelling yankee, the nature of your matrimonial celebrations marks you for suspicion. Whether it is purgatory or merely a probationary status, you remain only partially civilized.The fact that you do not understand where I am going with this should be a clear sign that you have not achieved the highest level of grace and refinement that we call civilization. For if you were truly civilized, you would not need it explained to you that fall weddings is something that is just not done.
At least not in a civilized society. And by civilized society, I of course mean the South.
If you are part of our Southern society, you know perfectly well why we do not have our weddings in the fall. It is for religious reasons, you see. At least that is the easiest way for me to approximate it to you—not that I assume you know much about religion, but you at least might have a little reverence for such sacred matters. And yet by calling it a religious matter somewhat cheapens the thing, for in reality for many it means a great deal more. However, using the language and trappings of the sacred and the religious should get the point across.
What is this sacred and religious tradition that requires the civilized to not participate in fall weddings? The answer is blindingly obvious: fall is football season. If you do not understand the meaning that has for those of us in the South you are most likely either ill-bred, ill-mannered, or clumsy and un-athletic sort who was never made to play at sports. Most likely it’s some toxic combination of all three.
Fall weddings are above all rude, and in a polite and genteel society that all right minded folk should aspire to be a part of, there are few things graver than rudeness. A wedding is not simply showing up at a church for an hour on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. It is a grand affair usually involving the entire weekend. If that is not the case for the weddings you are used to attending, I’m sorry to inform you that you might have been the victim of a rather cruel and unfortunate practical joke.
Because of the time commitment involved in attending a wedding, not to mention the even greater obligations of being in the wedding party, and when you consider that each school only has twelve games a year, robbing someone of a twelfth of that season is rude and selfish to an extreme level. And while each team will have one or two games against cupcake teams, and missing those games is not much of a sacrifice for your guests, the odds are that, since your social circle consists of fans and alumni of multiple schools, there will never be a single weekend in the fall where every single team is playing a cupcake.
Earlier I had mentioned that attending a wedding is not some minor event, but requires an entire weekend. I must also remind our less civilized readers that attending a football game is an undertaking of similar longevity. It is not simply a matter of showing up at the stadium and cheering your team for three or four hours. Even if you live in the same town, which is unlikely if you are an employed professional, there is still the matter of hosting out of town guests and visitors the night before, tailgating the morning and sometimes the afternoon of the game, the postgame barbecues, parties, bar-crawls (or all three), and the obligatory breakfast or brunch the morning after. That is more or less the same itinerary for any decently planned and civilized wedding.
Now, if you have made it this far I hope you have understood how utterly rude, selfish, narcissistic, condescending, and demeaning it is to impose on your friends, relatives, friends of relatives, and relatives of friends to obligate them to attending a wedding in the fall when they would much rather be cheering on their alma mater on an idyllic campus somewhere in the South, where the beer is cold, the bourbon is strong, and the girls get hotter (and the skirts get shorter) every year.
If you still want to go through with your wedding plans, you are an asshole. Fall weddings are an abomination. They have no place in a civilized society. And if you think they are a good idea, perhaps you don’t have a place in one either.